FALLING IN LOVE WITH NO

By Toni G. Villafuerte

For most of us who grew up thinking that there are rules in love, we are swayed by the idea that if one fits in a certain type or category, then it’s DESTINY. That if you follow every rule in the book, you’re guaranteed of a very blissful and blessed love life, both rewarding and life-changing.

When we were very young, our environment played a huge role in helping us realize what a relationship is all about. We base it on the things we observe from the people around us. When I was growing up, my mother had to work because we were not supported by my father financially. I hated the fact that I had to be away from her and not have a stay-at-home mom like anyone else I knew. All my friends and cousins grew up with a complete set of parents. They were loved and taken care of. They’re happy together and are present in each other’s lives. Then I thought of my first rule in relationship: YOU HAVE TO BE THERE.

There was a point in my life when my mom had to entrust me to her sister because she needed to stay overseas so she could support me. I love my aunt very much and I know I owe her a lot but she wasn’t the most perfect role model for me when it came to relationships. Let me just skip the ugly details but to make things short and sweet, she was between relationships. Oh. Make that TWO relationships at the same time. 

I knew then that what she was doing was wrong but nobody bothered to explain to me why she kept in doing it. I saw her juggle things around just so one wouldn’t find out about the other. As tiring as it may seem, she may have done a very good job because neither of them found out that there were two of them sharing the same woman. It seemed to me then that she will be doing that for the rest of her life. I thought as well that she loved them both but can people really do that? I dared to ask her once whom she loved more and her response gave me rule number 2: I CHOOSE THE ONE THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Back then, I had no idea what she meant. Although, I knew she laughs more when she’s with the funny boyfriend. She cooks better when he’s coming. With the other guy, she’d always ask the maid to cook but she’d always clean the house. She said guy number 2 didn’t like a dirty house.

As I transition from a doubting teenager to a more experimental young adult, I got a little bit of freedom. I was able to go to places I want to go and do the things I want with a little bit of caution. I felt like I had so many questions in my head that needed to be answered. Nobody was there to answer my questions so I went out to seek for it myself. This was when I felt so much power in my hands that I can do anything I want as long as I don’t get into trouble. I learned how to make decisions for myself.

Being out there exposed me to so many things. Things I didn’t even know were possible. When I was little, I thought I was gonna fall in love and get married to a woman who will bear my child. We will raise our children and they are to get married and have kids of their own. The circle of life continues. I fell in love. But I didn’t fall in love with a woman.

I decided to follow what my heart told me, to stay true to how I really feel. I explored my sexuality and found myself falling in love with someone, as dictated by rule books, I shouldn’t fall in love with. I defied the rules. I tried not to follow what’s normal. I saw challenge in everything I did and explored. I raised a lot of eyebrows and have gotten some really nasty stares. The comments were even unkind at times but that didn’t stop me. I was happy. I saw love in everything and everyone and that gave me rule number 3: SCREW THEM.

Who do you fall in love with? I cannot answer that question. You see, my rules aren’t really rules. It tells you to choose the one that makes you feel good about yourself without thinking what other people would say and be there for them. Rules are supposed to restrict us but when I followed mine, I never felt more free. I fell in love with freedom. I fell in love with NO.

I don’t think I’m the type who will ever struggle to fit in. I don’t necessarily consider myself as a troublemaker but even my zodiac described me as UNCONVENTIONAL. I love seeing things done in ways I think is right without hurting anyone in the process. Why limit ourselves with choices we didn’t make? In one of my favorite movies, life was described as too short to live the same day twice.

The rules I made aren’t exactly rules. They’re just words I live by.  They make me happy about my choices. Giving me more power to love more people. Giving me more power to love myself.